Road trip

Winston-Salem, NC

I awoke around 6:30 this morning to an alarm. Not the phone, wake-up alarm. Flashing light on the propane panel. "David, something is alarming." Up he went. A propane sensor in the engine room. Move some stuff. Take up the fatigue mat. Open the "barn doors" of the engine compartment. Sniff.

Nothing. Take the sensor out. Test the system. Won't reset. Take the sensor from under the stove. Test. That one works. So we made coffee! Put the good sensor in the engine compartment. Closed barn doors and replaced the mats and our stuff. Turned off the propane since we were leaving anyway. Had our coffee. All by 7:00 a.m.  We'll get a new sensor when we return from family visit in NC.

And David was totally sunk, lower than I've seen him be sunk, depressed. The propane sensor was sort of the straw/camel's back on top of all the anxiety and disappointment of the engine/prop/motor mount "fix." He's feeling really defeated and not knowing how/what to dig out of these boat challenges. My heart hurts for him. He's put sooo much work and energy into Grace and now it is uncomfortable. He says that he used to look forward to starting up her engine. Now he cringes when he gets ready to turn the key because of the vibration he knows is coming.

I was smart enough to know that I can't fix this for him and can't fix the boat for us. So, sit next to him and encourage him to speak of his grief. And grief it is. And frustration and anger. But grief. A dream interrupted. A situation out of his control in spite of all the work, time, attention, money invested. I encouraged him to let this situation just sit for the few days until after Christmas and family visit. Then we could make decisions about how/what next step to take. Then we can consider all our options with some distance. Disappointment, though. Supreme disappointment....to have an uncomfortable vibration that didn't exist to this extent before; to be so late in the sailing season and still be in cold weather in VA; to not have a clear plan of action; to not have the yard assuming some responsibility for our distress and the fact that they have NOT delivered as promised; our boat's un-fix; to not have the yard produce the product they assured us they would; to have the yard not have the work done in a timely manner as promised; to have this great financial expense (boat work, car rental, apt rental and now marina costs) and not be sure we can continue to the Bahamas as planned and dreamed.

So we packed up the rental car and left for Winston-Salem. About 30 miles out of town David wasn't confident that he'd turned the bilge pump to automatic. Call the marina and ask dock master to check. Not on automatic and the boat is locked. U-turn. Now there is a key hidden outside the boat. On the road again by noon.

Arrived at elderly aunt Kathleen's house around 7:15 p.m. A long day in the car. We all complained, including Amelia. She finally stretched out in passenger seat beside the passenger's thigh, tucked in under the seatbelt. My cousins Dale and Patsy and Patsy's husband, Gary, came over to visit us. Wonderful to see and chat with them. David to bed. Amelia is curled beside him. Kathleen and I toured the Christmas tree ornaments and the collection of family photos on shelves in the living room, her Christmas cards from friends and family.

I'm fading now, resting in the familiarity and love of this family, hoping that David, too, can rest here for a few whiles. It has been a particularly arduous, physically and, especially, emotionally couple of months for him. Some brief time to give up trying to figure out and fix, to just let it be. Releasing responsibility, letting it be, resting/waiting are not his strong suits, are major challenges for him. Deep breathes. At least 5 of them. Perhaps patience will allow clearer decisions. love, too.